


I'm a Celebrity, Kiss me already

by writer0895



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: F/M, I'm a celebrity get me out of here au, jily prompt challenge
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-30
Updated: 2018-05-30
Packaged: 2019-05-16 05:08:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,525
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14804960
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/writer0895/pseuds/writer0895
Summary: Prompt: We became besties during the hours spent trying to survive bushtucker trials, saving each other from creepy crawlies and wasting time at the camp - the audience loved us and our managers want us to have a showmance after leaving the jungle but I don't know how to tell you I want to date you for real.





	I'm a Celebrity, Kiss me already

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the Jily Monthly Challenge on tumblr. Disclaimer: Everything in this fic is made up by me, including but not limited to information about how the music industry works, or how ‘I’m a Celebrity’ works, or facts about snakes and so on. Except for James and Lily and other characters because arguably, by the very nature of fanfiction, they belong to JKR. Also, fun fact ‘Red touches Yellow, Death says Hello’ bit is copied word for word from wikihow.

 

Lily knew that as long as she would live, she would never forget the Bushtucker trials, and not just because of the sensation of hundreds of grasshoppers crawling over her body. No, 'Bushtucker trials' was when she became friends with James Potter; another impossible feat she never thought would take place.

The first couple of rounds were a breeze… well, in comparison. Alice Longbottom, a fashion designer was eliminated in the first round, and Reginald Cattermole, a second tier football player in the second and while drowning in grasshoppers and eating burnt scorpions wasn’t her idea of fun but Lily managed alright. She even thought she might win but then they brought out the snake and doubt crept in.

Her hands were stretched out and placed in boxes such that she couldn’t escape (she checked) and Lily grimly thought about how she was positioned. The other contestants with her on that day were Peter Pettigrew, the weather reporter and James Potter.

“Hey Lily, what are you thinking about,” asked Peter. Lily quite liked Peter, despite his taste in friends (namely James Potter) and so she took a deep breath to avoid snapping at him before she replied.

“Just about how Jesus was in a similar position when he was crucified.”

“Really Evans? Comparing yourself to God. That’s not even subtle,” interjected James.

“ Jesus is the son of God.”

“Uhh…”

Lily smirked. It was rare that James Potter was speechless and she couldn’t resist egging him on.

“How do you not know something so basic Potter? I know you’re dimwitted in your songs but I thought that was a character you play.”

“Actually, I don’t know a lot about Christianity because I’m a Hindu but thanks for the vote of confidence Evans,” replied James, his tone neutral.

“Oh. Sorry,” replied Lily. She wished her hands were free so she could bury her face. No one said anything for a minute. The show staff and reptile experts were milling around them, preparing to start the shoot. Finally, James spoke up.

“So Evans; do you really think you’re our lord and saviour?”

Lily barely suppressed a grin as she replied.

“Yes.”

She continued after a moment.

“You know, I don’t know much about Christianity either. I’m sure my great grandparents were Christian but my parents and their parents were atheists and I was definitely raised as one.”

James nodded in acknowledgement and the atmosphere lightened considerably.

“Yeah, that’s evident. Because Jesus is the son of God but he is also an incarnation of God so in a way, he is God,” said Peter, addressing their conversation. Lily blushed furiously as James roared with laughter. But she didn’t reply, her mind focused entirely on the snakes they had brought out.

15 minutes later, the cameras were running and the snakes were placed in the boxes. And soon after, Lily began muttering obscenities.

“I fucking hate you Moody. What kind of a dumbass name is that even.”

Lily had tried to keep her calm; she really had. For a solid minute and a half, she had even managed to keep curl her arms to maintain some distance between her and the snakes in the tiny boxes. But then they started crawling up her arms and she lost it.

Dumbledore, Mad-Eye Moody’s co-host tried to offer her some consolation but it didn’t help.

“I’m not pinning here either sweetheart,” shot back Moody. He had considerably less patience making his pairing with Dumbledore (who had the patience of a 100 year old who had lived a full life) inherently hilarious. Together they had hosted ‘I’m a celebrity, Get me out of here’ for 4 seasons in a row with a contract promising them at least two more.

Lily paid no heed to Moody’s words; her attention devoted entirely to the snakes crawling up her arms.

“Get them off, please. Please please, I wanna leave,” Lily began begging, her reserve falling apart.

“Well, Miss Evans, if you really want to leave, you have to say the phrase ‘I’m a celebrity, Get me out of here.’,” said Dumbledore.

“Oi Evans,” called out James from across her. He was calm and unbothered by the much larger snakes crawling up his arms. “You need to chill the fuck out.”

Lily looked up because if there was one thing that affected her more than the snakes, it was James Potter.

“Fuck off Potter.”

“Look, the snakes you’ve got are tiny. And look at the colour bands. Red touches Yellow, death says hello. Red touches Black, he’s a friend Jack.”

“If you’re being condescending about this right now -”

“I’m not. I’m saying that they look a lot like Kingsnakes and Kingsnakes are the most common pet snakes. They’re harmless.”

“Okay.”

“Trust me; you got this.”

“How can I trust you?”

“I did a music video involving snakes and I too was afraid, so I did my research. And then I fell in love with them.”

“Oh my god, I remember. You were naked with snakes crawling all over you. Was that supposed to be sexy or ….”

“It was Sirius’s idea; he’s the band’s drummer. And no one is allowed to take the piss about it.”

Lily grinned at him, relaxing considerably.

“Just this once, it’s a deal.”

The round was soon over and Lily had managed to make it through another day in the damn jungle. It was for charity. She and 11 other minor celebrities had to get through a few weeks in the jungle with no luxury items and minimal food in the reality show from hell, and the prize money would be donated to the winner’s charity of choice. She kept telling herself - it was for charity, and it kept her going.

As she made her way back to the campground, she thought about James Potter.  It wasn’t just the goodness of her heart that kept her going. Not that round; that round was all James. An uneasiness filled her gut as she thought about him.

This show wasn’t the first time she had met James Potter. Nearly 4 years ago, when they were both barely out of college and she was in the initial stages of her acting career, he had been her first big gig. James, and Sirius Black, the other half of the duo ‘The Marauders’ had become an overnight hit across the United Kingdoms and were looking for new faces for their music video. She, largely thanks to her the superb negotiating skills of her manager Dorcas Meadows, had landed the role.  

The shoot was scheduled for a week and the first couple of days went smoothly. Mid-week however, things went horribly wrong. Lily had finished her part and was making her way to her trailer when she spotted them. James Potter and Sirius Black, musical sensations, mercilessly teasing and prodding one of the crew members. Sirius had grabbed his notepad when Lily reached the scene. A small crowd had formed and Sirius and James were throwing the notebook back and forth while their victim ran between them trying to catch. A loud roar of laughter came from their audience as he slipped and fell. Sirius bowed with a dramatic flair and Lily saw red.

Pushing through the crowd, she made her way towards the fallen crew member. She offered her hand to help him up but he stood up on his own. Once she saw that he was steady, she turned her attention to his bullies.

“What the fuck is wrong with you two?”

“Alright, the show’s over.” Sirius addressed the audience as they slowly began to disperse.

“Don’t get your panties in a twist Evans. We were just -” began Sirius but a glare from Lily shut him up.

“Look, it was just a small joke. No hard feelings, right you.” James addressed the latter half of his sentence to the crew member.

“My name is Severus Snape.”

“Right, Snape. It’s all good, right?”

“Right,” muttered Snape. He reached his hand out towards Sirius to grab his notepad who threw it towards James. Lily intervened and caught it before James could.

“You are both arrogant, bullying, heartless toerags. I hope you die,” said Lily, her voice steely. Giving the notepad back to Snape, she walked off the set. She was missing for the next three hours, refusing to work for ‘The Marauders’ till her manager found her and brought her back.

“We’ve signed a contract Lily, and we don’t have the money to back out of it,” she said and reluctantly, Lily agreed. But she donated her entire paycheck and never looked back. James had once in an interview, referred to her work as spectacular, as something that frequently rendered him awestruck. When an interviewer had asked her how she felt about James Potter’s praise for her, she shrugged and said, “That sounds like it’s his problem.”

So uneasiness was definitely a valid reaction to the sudden positivity she felt towards him. When she got to the camp, he was the only one present.

“Peter’s in the showers,” he said, in a manner of explanation with the word shower in air quotes.

“What about the others?”

“I dunno. I reckon they’ve gone exploring or hunting or something.”

“I don’t understand why they get the day off and we don’t.”

“The viewers vote to decide who participates and who doesn’t in the bushtucker trials.”

“Yeah… I don’t understand.”

James grinned as he replied, “Who’s dimwitted now Evans?”

Lily smiled. “I walked right into that one.”

She sat down on the ground next to where he was lying on a DIY - hammock and nudged him slightly.

“I’m sorry about what I said earlier,” she said, and then added, “and thank you for helping out today.”

“Of course.”

A silence enveloped them, interrupted only by the leaves blowing in the wind.

“So… does that mean you don’t hate me anymore?”

“I don’t know; do you go around bullying people anymore?”

“Ouch, okay. I walked right into that one.”

Lily gave him a smug smile.

“Can I explain myself?”

Lily raised her eyebrows but nodded.

“Look, you know my label right? Hogwarts.”

“Yep. That’s a weird fucking name by the way.”

“Come on! You can’t say shit like that on national television. I’m probably going to have 3 photographers, 2 publicists and at least one lawyer waiting for me outside the jungle.”

Lily laughed out loud, and James joined in with a chuckle.

“Look, the label always hires the same crew for music videos and Snape, I knew him. 3 women had complained against him for harassment and Sirius overheard him calling our manager, Remus,... uh, well he’s openly bisexual and Snape called him a slur.”

“Oh… I didn’t know that.”

“Of course you didn’t. And given what you saw, I don’t blame you for hating us either.”

“Right. I mean, you guys were really taking a go at him.”

“Okay, so I am most definitely going to have a lawyer waiting for me once I’m out of the jungle but I’m going to say it - Hogwarts didn’t do anything about the complaints. They refused to take action and so…”

“So you did.”

“Yep. Look it was a long time ago and we handled things badly, but I want you to know that our intent was good.”

“I feel bad now.”

“Does that mean you don’t hate me anymore?”

“I’ll do you one better,” replied Lily, extending her hand. “Friends.”

James grinned and they shook on it.

Lily would never admit it but after she left the jungle (three episodes before James did), and after she publicly vowed to never watch a single episode of ‘I’m a Celebrity’ ever, she went back and watched that episode - the exact moment they became friends.

And with James, friends meant friends. You had to be all in; ride or die. As Lily grew to know him, she understood (despite her misgivings) why he had sought to hurt Snape. He was a protective friend and loyal to a fault. When she was eliminated from the show, her first thought was of concern that their friendship would be over; that they had somehow existed in a bubble in the jungle and they were too fragile to survive reality.

Of course, she was wrong. They were all in; ride or die. But as she eagerly waited for some news that James was out of the jungle and as she grappled with the giddiness that overcame her when he called so they could meet up, she was forced into a realisation - she liked James Potter. Like him, like him. Liked him enough that her speech was reduced to that of a teenager. She could barely string together five words in front of him before her legs started shaking. And then in the privacy of her own home, she willed into existence the confident, sexy woman she wished she were and then went online to flirt with him on twitter.

Soon enough their followers had picked up on the flirtation (he still hadn’t; much to her dismay) and had begun speculation. And that was why it was with a butterfly-filled stomach that she was presently standing outside The Three Broomsticks on a rainy Monday afternoon. Fucking London.

“So I’ve talked to Lily about this; and I know you’ll both probably not like this idea but Remus and I have agreed that the two of you should date,” said Dorcas. Her tone, as usual, was brisk and to the point. Lily decidedly stared at her coffee, resisting the urge to sneak a glance at James.

“What!”

Remus cleared his throat as he replied.

“What Dorcas means is that it would be good for the publicity.”

“Lily has a new movie coming up and dating a big shot musician will get her more coverage. And you both can break up a few months before your next album comes out,” added Dorcas.

“Which means, that there will inevitably be speculation as to who the album is about, giving it added publicity,” continued Remus.

“What do you think?” James asked Lily. Lily looked up from her coffee and shrugged.

“I guess fake dating for publicity is kind of unethical,” she said. Dorcas rolled her eyes and Remus pressed his lips together, resisting the urge to argue. James nodded enthusiastically in agreement.

“But at the same time, fake dating a friend would be better than fake dating some rando, right,” added Lily, hastily. She couldn’t believe she was supporting this dumb charade Dorcas had deemed a good idea but she couldn’t bear the vigour with which James was against the idea of dating her. If she didn’t have a shot at the real deal, she wasn’t above grasping at the straws.

“Look James, it’s just a publicity thing. It’ll be very professional,” said Dorcas.

“Okay,” replied James, a tight smile on his face.

“Plus with all your twitter flirting this should be natural for you guys,” said Remus. Lily blushed furiously and James rubbed the back of his neck.

“Okay, so how are we supposed to do this,” he asked, changing the topic.

The plan was set into motion about a week later. Lily sat at a table by the window in a fancy restaurant. Even the china screamed fancy and the dim lighting and mood music just tied everything up in a neat bow like a gift for the paparazzi to open. She was wearing her most date-like outfit and was sitting opposite to James in his best, most formal leather jacket. He had pulled out the chair for her and their food came in such tiny portions that Lily very nearly laughed. But she didn’t because it didn’t feel funny. It was wrong and uncomfortable and her throat seemed to be perpetually dry. She kept sipping her water, and the waiter who was hovering beside them kept refilling it before she could finish the whole thing which for some inexplicable reason annoyed her. And yet, all this she could take. What she couldn’t take, however, was the infuriating formality with which James approached the situation; treating her like glassware capable of breaking at any given second. The whole time he was polite, the epitome of professionalism and for once, Lily wished he wouldn’t be. Professionalism was so damn overrated.

Still, the paparazzi, on receiving a credible tip from an unknown source (translation: Dorcas) had arrived at the restaurant and managed to take the right pictures; pictures that made it clear - they were dating.

But fake dating James was a difficult business. They held hands at all the right times and he said all the right things during interviews. It wasn’t difficult to sell their relationship and Lily mused, more than once if it had anything to do with the fact that she wanted to date him for real. But every time they held hands her palms got clammy (he must think she had perpetually sweaty hands) and her heart would beat faster and it all felt wrong and anxious till she couldn’t take it anymore.

It was during the red carpet interview for her new film that she pulled the trigger… or tried to at least. He was talking to an interviewer further along the carpet (which was unusual; they hardly ever interviewed the dates of the cast and crew; even if said dates were musicians named James Potter). She was playing a game of ‘kiss, marry, kill’ while sneaking glances at him from across the carpet and she decided that it had to end either way.

Ride or die; this was James Potter. And so once her game was over and before she could lose her nerve, she made her way over to him and snaked her hands around his waist.

“Hey,” she said. The interviewer had moved away and they were being ushered to move down the carpet.

““Hey,” he said, looking down at her. He leaned forward and pecked her lightly on the nose. She stiffened for a brief second before reaching up and wrapping her arms around his neck and kissing him fully on the lips. She tugged at his hair lightly as he kissed her back. They broke apart eventually and she smiled at him.

“I think they should have a quite a few decent shots,” he said.

“Huh.”

“The reporters,” said James, nodding at the photographers behind her.

“Right; the press,” replied Lily. Her courage had decidedly abandoned her. “Yeah, they should have the pictures they need.” She slowly brought her arms down from around his neck, one palm pausing briefly at his heart. She could’ve sworn it was beating a mile a minute but maybe it was just her.

Maybe it was just her.

“Let’s watch your movie,” said James and the two headed inside the theatre.

The next time she talked with James after their kiss (or as Sirius described it - ‘Thanks for the free porno you two’) was nearly a week later and it was to announce that he was L.A bound.

“I’m doing this string of charity concerts and as my fake girlfriend, I thought you should know. I may be gone for two weeks.”

“Yeah, thanks for the update. When are you leaving?”

“In a couple of days. But I don’t reckon I’ll be able to meet you in the meantime. Things are really busy; Sirius goes crazy during pre-concert prep.”

“Of course, I understand. Good luck; I’ll see you on the other side.”

“Thanks.”

Lily resisted the urge to collapse into a pile of despair, sustained by hot chocolate whipped cream extravaganza and extra olive pepperoni pizza. She still had post-premiere press junket to get through.

“Lily, this question is for you. Last week we asked James what about you made him like you and I thought I’d ask you the same question today,” said the interviewer.

“Well I haven’t really fallen for myself so…”

Her co-star laughed appreciatively at her joke and the interviewer chuckled politely.

“Obviously, I meant what about him made you fall for him.”

“Obviously.”

The interviewer continued smiling. _‘like someone’s threatened to destroy his family if he stops for a minute’_ thought Lily grimly. But seeing that he wasn’t going to let the question alone, she answered.

“I mean… he’s James Potter. He’s a genius with words and music; he’s sweet and smart and funny. And you know we had been friends before we started dating and really, there’s nothing like being crushed by snakes to bring two people together.”

“From ‘I’m a celebrity’?”

“Yep. And you know… he always makes me feel better. He makes everything better.”

“Awesome. Guys, I think that’s all the time we have today. Good luck on your...”

As the interviewer repeated his formalities, Lily tuned him out. After the interview was over and before the next one was set up, Lily snuck into the bathroom to pull up the video where the interviewer had questioned James. It was the interview from the red carpet. 2 minutes into the video, the interviewer popped the question.

“As I’m sure you know, Lily has many many incredible qualities. But what about her exactly made you fall for her?”

James hesitated, rubbing the back of his neck. “I think… I have to say, given our history, she makes me a better a person. She brings out the best in me.”

The words kept pounding in her brain.

_I have to say, given our history, she makes me a better a person._

Lily hit repeat and watched the video again, hunched over a toilet seat.

Ten days into their two week separation, she decided she missed him all too much. She cleared her schedule and booked a ticket. Fake girlfriends can visit their fake boyfriends, right?

She arrived at his hotel just as he was returning from rehearsals. She was still at the reception, haggling with the manager for a room (she kept insisting they were all booked up) when James recognised her.

“Lily?”

She turned around, her heart in her throat. She half speed walked and half ran towards him, enveloping him in a hug. After her presence sunk in, he squeezed back. And just like that all the walls that had come up between them during the course of their fake relationship came crashing down. Like the skin on skin contact that removed all distance between them (literally, and metaphorically).

“Don’t worry about a room. You can stay with me. What are you doing here?”

He kept talking as he grabbed her bag and led her towards the elevator.

They were laid out on his bed, talking and eating chips when Dorcas called.

“Lily Evans, are you seriously in L.A right now?”

“Heya Dorcas.”

“Do you know it bloody 4 am in London right now, and I have to deal with this mess.”

“Didn’t you once say you are at your most productive at 4 am.”

Dorcas muttered to her herself and while Lily (and James; Lily had put the call on speakerphone) couldn’t make out the words, they could clearly feel the exasperation. She eventually hung up on them. Lily let out a small giggle, feeling like a mischievous kid and James joined her. About 15 minutes later, Remus knocked on their door.

“I’m going to sue you for all the white hair and wrinkle lines you’ve given me,” he said, in a manner of greeting.

“Don’t forget the STDs,” replied James.

“I just had a long, frustrating phone call with Meadows.”

“Yeah, she called us,” said Lily. “I didn’t really inform her that I was coming here and it pissed her off.”

“Although, I don’t get why. She can’t control every detail of your life,” said James.

“She’s her manager James,” replied Remus.

“So? You don’t control my life.”

“Of course I don’t. On an unrelated note, you’re going to dedicate at least one song to Lily tonight.”

“How can I? I wrote these songs before Lily and I even became friends,” he replied, scowling.

“Then shout her out before the concert begins or towards the end or something.”

“Fine. I’m going to shower before we’re due at the venue,” replied James, snatching a random t-shirt from his bag.

Lily tried talking to him once he came out of the shower but he replied in monosyllables till she gave up. And for the rest of the day he remained in a sour mood. Lily eventually left him alone and went out exploring the city before it was time for the concert. He was charming as usual on stage. He dedicated a cover to her and the audience roared in approval, but then, after the concert was over, he was just as upset. He kept up appearances but Lily could see that something was off. At 3 am, when he still hadn’t returned to his room, Lily eventually went to sleep. She saw him the next day at breakfast but he was in a rush to reach the venue for sound check. Lily mulled everything over and between spoonfuls of cereal, a stroke of genius hit her.

Once everything was set up, she messaged James to meet her during his break. He arrived soon after.

“Hey.”

“Hi.”

“Why the fuck are we at the zoo?”

“Come on, follow me,” said Lily. She took his hand and dragged him in the direction of the snake house. The snake house was cool, well shaded and empty save one zookeeper.

“Miss Evans, Mister Potter, welcome.”

“Alright, what’s going on?”

“I thought we could see some snakes. Look, Alex here even offered to let me hold one of the snakes. I thought a kingsnake would be appropriate.”

Lily walked towards the zookeeper who carefully wrapped a snake around her arm.

“Alright, where are the photographers? The press? That’s whom this is for isn’t it?”

“What?”

“What!”

“Are you fucking kidding me? You’ve been in a mood for the past day and a half and I thought since you fucking love snakes, you’d want to hang around a few.”

“Oh.”

The zookeeper, sensing a fight had made himself scarce.

“I would never expose you to the press when you’re down and vulnerable and really don’t need that of shit.”

“I know, I’m sorry.”

James sighed and sat on a nearby bench.

“It’s just… we were friends before this whole dating business. And it seems these days we never hang out without the paparazzi. Everything we do is for the public and you know, I miss us being us. I miss my friend.”

Lily smiled and sat down next to him, carefully holding the snake in her arms.

“You sappy motherfucker.”

“Shut up.”

“Man, we are friends. In fact, I’ll do you one better.”

James looked at her questioningly. Lily exhaled deeply.

“Lovers.” She continued.

James’ eyebrows disappeared into his hair.

“Lovers? Really? Now who’s the sappy motherfucker.”

“I wanted to say girlfriend and boyfriend but it felt too clunky.”

“Fair enough.”

“Look, I have a goddamned snake wrapped around my arm and I’m okay with it because of you. You make everything better, and we should just date for real.”

James grinned at her as he nodded.

“Now, I’m a celebrity, Kiss me already.”

James readily complied.


End file.
